Why Repair is Hard for Parents
As parents, we can run into “blocks,” both internally and externally in our repair efforts with our children. Repair work requires vulnerability and courage on the parent’s part. Our wounded inner children can become easily activated and tender when asked to show up in new and different ways.
The Giving Block
We may first encounter an internal block around our ability to connect emotionally with our children. In Emotionally Focused Family Therapy (EFFT), we call this a Giving Block.
Barriers to giving emotional nurturance to our children may include:
a lack of support for ourselves
expecting our kids to be someone they’re not and feeling disappointed
expecting our kids to take care of our feelings or protect us instead
trauma related to our own personal relationship histories
As parents, our attachment system must first be soothed and attended to in order for our nervous system to feel safe enough to experiment with new ways of engaging with our children. This is especially the case when we consider the other common block in repair work with our young adult or grown kids.
The Receiving Block
For parents of adult children, it’s easy to get frustrated when, after you take a step towards your child in an effort to repair and connect, your child seemingly rejects you or your efforts. This is called a Receiving Block, and can spin a wounded parent back into a survival state, or cause us to retreat.
What is truly need here is to stay consistent and predictable. The inherent question being asked by your child is, “can I trust you? Are you really here for me?” This is the case even when the first reaction you get is effectively, “where the hell have you been?” The real question underneath is, “will you stay?”
As parents, our job is to stay the course. Remain available and responsive and listening, as much as possible. Demonstrate that you can handle the big feelings of your child. You aren’t going anywhere.
Meaningful and sustainable repair work becomes possible when all family members feel adequately supported and cared for in the process. To learn more about how I help families move successfully through repair and reconnection, check out the coaching packages available on my website, or reach out to me directly at hello@jordangrob.com. I’d love to guide your family to a place of healing.
