The Perfect Parenting Trap and How to Break Free
There are so many resources out there on how to be a top-tier parent. From the time we utter the words “I’m pregnant” or “I’m raising a child now,” an overwhelming amount information starts coming at us from all angles about how to do it right.
This is especially true for mothers, who bear the brunt of this burden to “get it right.” Mothers face impossible social demands of being both the perfect stay-at-home-mom who devotes herself entirely to her children, as well as the consummate “professional,” who should be simultaneously pursuing a career, hobbies, and impossible beauty standards.
This is also true for queer parents, whose parenting, lifestyles, relationships, and personal histories are scrutinized to a degree that would be unfathomable to most cisgender heterosexual parents.
When this is the context within which we are asked to raise children, it reasons to assume that we are under an extraordinary amount of stress. This doesn’t even begin to account for all the other intersecting stressors of our lives. Under these social and cultural norms, our nervous system is reacting as designed: to view everything that is happening as urgent and potentially life-threatening. It is no wonder we are overwhelmed and under-functioning as parents.
When we are raised - as children or as parents - to believe that “getting it right” is the only way to avoid being labeled “bad,” we are robbed of the opportunity to both create and model healthy, normal relationship experiences with our children, whatever their age.
When we become preoccupied with the need to get it right as a parent, we are more likely to…
fulfill the internalized belief that we will never be good enough
stay stuck in negative relationship cycles, believing that this is “just how it is”
spiral into shame and lose perspective and access to our executive functioning skills needed for repair
operate from our egos and a place of defensiveness (to protect against and ward off the shame spiraling), which only creates more conflict and tension in our relationships.
pass this anxiety about getting it right onto our children, and so on and so forth for generations.
Vulnerability as a Parent
What if mistakes were okay all around? What if that was part of a healthy relationship experience? What if it’s up to us to model, not perfection, but repair?
It’s not about getting it right. It’s not about perfect parenting. It’s about what happens next after we get it wrong. It’s about challenging the narrative that we are supposed to be perfect, accepting our humanity and messiness, and learning how to offer ourselves and others more curiosity and compassion, wherein true intimate relationships thrive.
That being said, we are still accountable as parents for the ways in which we unintentionally hurt our children, or leave them feeling confused or unsafe. We can’t escape the reality that there is an inherent biological power differential in the top-down relationship between parent and child. Children are developmentally incapable of meeting us halfway, or controlling their impulses for that matter. And they should not be expected to be our emotional caretakers.
When we are operating from a place of overwhelm as parents (which is likely most of us at this point!), there are going to be plenty of moments when we inadvertently ask our kids to be more grown and developmentally mature than they are capable of, or when we implicitly or explicitly ask them to take care of our feelings instead. It’s okay that this happens. Truly. It’s okay that we screw up and are human. The point is not to shame ourselves for these moments. The point is to stay curious and compassionate, to open ourselves up to growing with and alongside our children, and to view them as valuable teachers in our own healing journey.
If we are to steward our children well in this world, it will not be because we parented perfectly. It will be because we learned how to set down our egos as parents, practiced parental humility, allowed ourselves to be changed by and grown up through the wisdom of our children, and committed to expanding our skills in repair and reconnection when we’ve tripped up.
I see you and I’m here to support you. If you’re ready to dive into strengthening your relationships, growing your skillset in repair and reconnection, and learning new tools for grounding your nervous system in an unpredictable world, I’ve got you. Check out my course, “Foundations of Confident Connection” - a judgement free, on-demand learning space where you can move at your own pace through the information and resources that have been essential and life-changing both personally and in my work with clients over the past 12+ years. If you’ve got questions or are in need of a different kind of support, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me at hello@jordangrob.com.
